Smiles…


are hard to come by these days.  The pain of losing my one true love permeates every part of my existence. Grief.  I hesitate to write much about it on my blog, but…at the same time…it is my blog.  My musings about my life.  And now, grief is a part of my life’s daily journey. This is the road I’m walking now. How can I not write about it? I can’t pretend that it doesn’t exist. That it isn’t now a part of me. Grief is not something you feel for a few days after the loss, and then it’s all better…you just get up, go on, move on. No…it’s not neat and tidy like that. It’s messy, it is rough around the edges, jagged, a wound that keeps bleeding. It has a life and a movement of it’s own. It’s like an ocean, ebbing and flowing, calming at times, and then crashing back over you in big, uncontrollable waves. Some days you are stronger, and some days you feel as if you absolutely cannot do this. But, you must. There is no escape. You must travel on down the rough, rocky road.  Your friends and loved ones hurt with you, and for you, and naturally want to make it better, but no one can bear this pain for you. It is yours. Yours alone. It is unique to you. Grief is deeply personal. There is no right or wrong way to do it. There is no time limit on it. I don’t write to be melodramatic, or depressing, offending, or for attention,  or sympathy. Just to be  real. Honest. I read in a book on grief that stating what you are feeling can be helpful. Even as I write, I am hesitant to push the “publish” button, to share something so deeply personal to me with “the whole world”, but maybe it will not just be helpful to me, but someone else out there that is being tossed about in their own personal ocean of grief. For whatever reason, I feel compelled to share this.

Now that I have gotten those thoughts down, and out there, back to the topic of this post. Smiles. Yes, they are fewer and farther between these days. But, this is what made me smile this morning…backyard visitors…a toad, a frog, and a turtle. When your heart is broken, it’s the first thought that crosses your mind when you wake up in the morning. The pain is fresh all over again. But, I got up…let my dogs out…started a pot of coffee…and stepped out in the backyard with them. First, I found the toad, then the frog. Anyone that has read my blog for any length of time knows how I love God’s creatures. He gave me heart full of love for them. Some people find toads and frogs yucky. Not me. I think they are adorable. Then, after letting the dogs back in and feeding them, and giving Libby her insulin, I got a cup of coffee and we went back out in the yard. And, then I saw the turtle. I immediately went in the house to rummage up some food for it. I picked baby carrots, a tangelo, and some apple slices.  And, yes…I smiled as I watched it eating an apple slice.

I do hope I get to see my little visitor again.

27 thoughts on “Smiles…

  1. As hard as it is, I’m glad you still can find some joy in your world. How we handle the sorrows in life defines who we are as much as how we handle our blessings. And you my friend handle it all with grace.

    While this is your “walk”, know that many of us walk beside you to help lift you up when you need the help.

    I’m keeping you close to my heart Randi.

  2. You do need to talk about it Randi. I know the truth of this from both sides of this experience. Use us. Your memories, your grief, your loneliness, your good times and your bad times can all be shared. This is a group with many, many big ears for listening to you. We are all looking for some way to help you through this so use us. My heart goes out to you as you start this journey. (and the turtle pictures are fantastic – get outside more!)

  3. So very sorry for your loss….thoughts and prayers for you. May you continue to find things to make you smile as you journey your way through your grief.

  4. Writing it down can be a big help. Sharing it with your virtual friends can help you bear a heavy load. You are setting a commendable example for those of us who have yet to face that journey. Thank you! Hugs to you.

  5. I loved your story although it was sad. It reminded me of the story Greg told in Sunday School one morning about waking up early, making coffee and going into the back yard. He said he liked seeing the day begin and how he could see so far because of the field in back of your house. Both of you enjoyed the simple things! Wishing you peace.

  6. Randi, thank you for continuing to share your journey. You have a gift with words and your description of grief is so poignant. I think about you daily and hope and pray for peace and comfort for you as you learn to live on this earth without the love of your life. Big hugs to you.

  7. Thanks for sharing Randi – what you say is exactly right. And you can feel just fine and suddenly out of nowhere you feel the pain again – or something simple triggers it. And you just let it happen as that is the path, and the rawness, eventually, eventually lessens. You also realise just how precious your friends are and how loved you are…and you open your heart to that and to the beauty around…

  8. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and I am so thankful you are able to talk about the grief and share your smiles. You are woman of courage!

  9. Randi, you and I are of completely different faiths but we both have a firm belief in God. I don’t for one second believe that your backyard visitors are a random occurrence; I believe they were sent to give you a few moments of joy and comfort while you make your way through this period of your life.

  10. Thank you for so eloquently and honestly sharing your thoughts. I personally need to hear them. Loss and death are a very real part of life. When we are young, we don’t think much that subject, but as we get older it becomes a very blunt fact of life, and often we don’t know how to handle it. I am at the age now where it is staring me in the face. Your grace and honesty are beautiful.

    I love the critter story and the photos of the well-fed turtle. God sends his comfort in many different ways, doesn’t he. Prayers for you. May his peace sustain you.

  11. I am so glad you found something to smile about Randi. The Lord finds ways to get us through our grief. I’m still saying prayers for you.

  12. It’s good to hear from you. While your post may be terribly personal, you are teaching the rest of us, because one day, most of us will need to learn this awful process. You are carrying on, as we all must do, despite sadness. I am so grateful to read your post, even if it’s sad, but glad you could find the small corner of joy.

    I am thinking of you, waaay out there in Blogland.

  13. Hi Randi,

    I wanted to thank you for sharing your journey. I am sorry for your loss. I believe Greg set the critters to you because he knew it would make you smile.

    One day at a time.

  14. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you. Thank you for sharing your grief with us and your backyard visitors that helped you find a smile. Blessings to you, Randi. And big hugs.

  15. You are such an inspiration Randi. My thoughts are with you as you continue on this journey of healing, faith and courage. I hope each day brings more and more sweet moments, even if only for a moment. Hugs, my friend.

  16. I cannot even begin to imagine your grief but do know the intensity of it means how good your relationship with Greg was. It it a testament to your marriage. If it did not hurt so much, then it would mean you had lost nothing. You both loved each other and that is something to celebrate through the pain of loss.
    My heart goes out to you,
    Sally,
    xx

  17. Randi – Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. I know it’s not easy, but I honestly feel journaling is a great healing tool. My heart goes out to you in this difficult time. They say grief is like a huge pendulum swinging threw different emotions. At first the swing is large and stays in certain “emotions” for long periods. Such as pain and grief with small swings into happy and calm. As time goes on it begins to stay in the calm and happy places for longer periods. I’m glad you had a moment of happiness today. I know this path of healing is not an easy one or one that ever completely heals but I pray you are comforted along it’s way and you have the blessings of happy, calm moments to ease the pain. {{hugs}}

  18. It’s good to talk about it. You can’t pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s part of who you are now and it’s OK to talk about it and share it. Finding joy in the little things is also good. I think we find what we need when we need it. Your friends are here when you need to talk.

  19. Please keep sharing and please never apologies for sharing your grief journey. You are so correct, there is no right or wrong way and I walked a path of grief and shame for many years after my ex left (through an impending mental breakdown) in ’82. I look back and find him almost an older stranger and wonder quite why I married him, although I will never regret three years of a happier marriage than many have…but the journey on took time and many turns and twists and oh how necessary are the tears and the expression of the grief. Blessings as you walk through.

  20. There is a Swedish proverb that says…”Joy shared is twice the joy. Sorrow shared is half the sorrow.” All of us that care for you will gladly share your sorrow. Trust that over time your pain will lessen, although it will never disappear completely, it will become easier to carry. God Bless you and your family and grant you more reasons to smile.

  21. so many above me have said all that I wanted to say but I think Deb said it best!! You have so many beside you that we could fill a football field!!

  22. Randi – grief is so hard to bear and no, it does not go away. I once saw a program with Audrey Hepburn, and she said that if you were depressed or feeling bad, to go outside. Yes, I truly believe that all the creations in nature are there to fascinate us and bring us hope and a bit of joy. I hope the critters help to heal your heart. They’ve done wonders for mine.

  23. Randi, my prayers are still with you. Thank you for sharing, though I can’t even imagine how hard it is. Know that we are here walking with you and sharing what we can of your pain and loss and eventually the smiles.

  24. I’m sorry to hear of your loss, it has been such a long journey. I’m glad the Lord sent you a turtle to smile over and to care about. You are doing exactly what you should, one step at a time. Prayers for you today, Randi ~
    :-}pokey

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