Backyard Surprise!
19 Jun 2011 22 Comments
in quilting
Two blog posts in one day! But, this I had to share. This is one of the things that would have had me running into the house yelling “Honey! Look what I found!” I found a real treasure today. I was pulling some weeds and overgrown herbs, and it’s a wonder I didn’t step right on it. I saw it just in time. How precious is this?!
I sure hope this little one survives and stays around in the yard. I looked for others, but didn’t find anymore.
Father’s Day
19 Jun 2011 16 Comments
in quilting
My son and I went to my parents’ house yesterday. I made up my mind yesterday to try to focus on life and the loved ones still in my life, rather than spend the whole day obsessing over the one that is no longer in it. My Daddy is still alive and I did not want to regret not going to celebrate that fact on this Father’s Day weekend because I let my sadness dominate. It wasn’t necessarily easy, but I’m glad we went. I did enjoy the time with my son, my mother and my father. As much as I can enjoy anything right now. Every experience is just “different” now. I am “different”. The world looks “different”. I don’t know how to explain it really. It’s almost like you have entered a different realm. I guess it’s just a different reality. But, when you have lost someone so near and dear to you, it really does change everything. Nothing feels normal.
This transition from we, us and ours to I, me and mine is so difficult and unpleasant. Quite frankly, I hate it. You built this identity as a couple, and it’s gone in an instant. You find yourself in a position of starting over, basically. Finding a “new normal”. I am fortunate, in many regards. I realize that. I am still thankful for the many blessings in my life. I don’t want to sound as if I am not. I am fortunate in the fact that I am not in a situation many widows find themselves in…having to suddenly go out and find a job, or losing their home because they can no longer afford to live in it. I was independent in that regard, before Greg, and I am still in a position of being able to be self-sufficient, on my own.
I have been perusing quilting blogs and forums, trying to be inspired to work on my own projects again. I even went to a fabric shop open house yesterday, Lillie’s Thimble, in Pampa. I love going to fabric shops and rarely leave one without buying something, even if it’s just a spool of thread. I left empty handed. Wasn’t even tempted. The desire just isn’t there yet. I am thinking that today I might try to straighten up my quilting room…and maybe that will begin to light a fire again. It’s somewhat of a disaster in there right now. Greg was my biggest quilting fan and supporter. The first one I wanted to show when I quilted something I thought was really good. He would be just as happy and excited as I was. He bought me both of my sewing machines, my embroidery machine, and a big portion of my quilting machine. There isn’t a part of my life that he hadn’t become a big part of, as well. Quilting is no exception.
I have decisions to make, as far as my quilting is concerned. While I have no doubt that I will again be quilting…and probably sooner rather than later…it is possible that I may only be quilting for myself. I may let the customer quilting go. I will be selling our business to Greg’s son-in-law. I run all my quilting work through it. Sales tax collecting and reporting, etc. I’m not sure that I will want to have to go through setting up a new business on my own, and one thing I won’t do is run it “under the table”. It was easy to do before, since we already had a successful business established, to just add the quilting work in with it. The other side of that coin is that I will actually have more spare time now, on the weekends, in which to do customer quilting. Or, it could just be lots of spare time to work on my own stuff. Lots of things for me to ponder.
Hopefully, before long, there will be some quilting content returning. For today, I leave you with pics of four little friends on the patio:
One thru three...
number four
I leave the patio light on for them at night, to draw insects. I call it the “buffet”. Haha.
Another week…
12 Jun 2011 16 Comments
in grief
has passed in this journey. I had a lot of positive feedback from the last post, publicly and privately. I will, at least for now, continue to share some on my blog about this time in my life. Just getting myself up, and getting presentable for work is a monumental task these days. I perceive grief almost as an illness…what feels like an incurable disease. I am hopeful that the symptoms will ease with time, but I can’t imagine being completely “cured” or “whole” again. At least not now, while the wound is so raw. I don’t feel “well”. Not physically, mentally or emotionally. Physically, I am exhausted all the time. Some of you may remember a couple of years ago that I was participating in some of the online weight loss groups. I finally gave up on those last pesky ten pounds. I have lost twenty since the beginning of Greg’s illness, til now. I have trouble sleeping through the night, though during the day, I wish I could be back in bed. An acquaintance I bumped into in town this week asked if it was getting better, with the passage of time. Ummmm…no. An innocent question, I know, with only the best of intentions. But, let’s see…it hasn’t even been a month. At this point, if anything, the missing of Greg seems only to be intensifying. You know the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. At this stage, it’s like he has been gone on an extended fishing trip, and it’s time for him to return home. My mind knows that it will never be, but my heart cannot stop longing for it. Nor, for that matter, can my mind. I want some big red, magic “easy” button, like that from the Staples commercials, that I can just push and put my life back the way it was. With Greg here, present with me, in a physical form. I wonder when, at what point, and how…will these feelings begin to diminish. I find that he is constantly on my mind, no matter what I am doing. I go to work, and try to do one task at a time, and anything I manage to accomplish there feels like a small victory of sorts, and I worry that I am leaving something important undone. My concentration level is not at it’s normal level. People frequently comment to me that I am so strong…am I? I have my doubts. This weekend, I have barely been able to move. I don’t want to do much more than lay around and read. I did manage to write a handful of thank you notes, (still so many to get done) and do a couple loads of laundry, but that’s about it. I have been reading some books about grief, and I encourage others going through a loss to do the same, if for no other reason than to know that what you are feeling is not crazy. It’s so easy to feel that way in the midst of this situation.
Something else I feel in overwhelming proportions, is appreciation. Appreciation for all the love and support that has been shown to Greg, me and our family throughout this whole ordeal. Even though no one can fix this, the love, support, and prayers do help. And, I am so thankful for all of it. Whether from friends and family locally, or my “cyberspace” friends. I believe that it will make me a better friend. I am so much more aware now how important it is to let others know you care, or are thinking about them. You never know when your message may have been received at a most needed moment, or what a difference you might have made for that other person. I want to once again thank each and every one of you that has commented, prayed for me, emailed me, and sent me cards. I haven’t been up to responding to each of you individually, ever since this started, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
I have a lot of thoughts running around in my head that I want to write about, but this is all I can manage for today. Feel free to share your thoughts in my comments section. I love hearing your stories and points of view, as well.
Smiles…
05 Jun 2011 27 Comments
in grief, quilting Tags: grief
are hard to come by these days. The pain of losing my one true love permeates every part of my existence. Grief. I hesitate to write much about it on my blog, but…at the same time…it is my blog. My musings about my life. And now, grief is a part of my life’s daily journey. This is the road I’m walking now. How can I not write about it? I can’t pretend that it doesn’t exist. That it isn’t now a part of me. Grief is not something you feel for a few days after the loss, and then it’s all better…you just get up, go on, move on. No…it’s not neat and tidy like that. It’s messy, it is rough around the edges, jagged, a wound that keeps bleeding. It has a life and a movement of it’s own. It’s like an ocean, ebbing and flowing, calming at times, and then crashing back over you in big, uncontrollable waves. Some days you are stronger, and some days you feel as if you absolutely cannot do this. But, you must. There is no escape. You must travel on down the rough, rocky road. Your friends and loved ones hurt with you, and for you, and naturally want to make it better, but no one can bear this pain for you. It is yours. Yours alone. It is unique to you. Grief is deeply personal. There is no right or wrong way to do it. There is no time limit on it. I don’t write to be melodramatic, or depressing, offending, or for attention, or sympathy. Just to be real. Honest. I read in a book on grief that stating what you are feeling can be helpful. Even as I write, I am hesitant to push the “publish” button, to share something so deeply personal to me with “the whole world”, but maybe it will not just be helpful to me, but someone else out there that is being tossed about in their own personal ocean of grief. For whatever reason, I feel compelled to share this.
Now that I have gotten those thoughts down, and out there, back to the topic of this post. Smiles. Yes, they are fewer and farther between these days. But, this is what made me smile this morning…backyard visitors…a toad, a frog, and a turtle. When your heart is broken, it’s the first thought that crosses your mind when you wake up in the morning. The pain is fresh all over again. But, I got up…let my dogs out…started a pot of coffee…and stepped out in the backyard with them. First, I found the toad, then the frog. Anyone that has read my blog for any length of time knows how I love God’s creatures. He gave me heart full of love for them. Some people find toads and frogs yucky. Not me. I think they are adorable. Then, after letting the dogs back in and feeding them, and giving Libby her insulin, I got a cup of coffee and we went back out in the yard. And, then I saw the turtle. I immediately went in the house to rummage up some food for it. I picked baby carrots, a tangelo, and some apple slices. And, yes…I smiled as I watched it eating an apple slice.
I do hope I get to see my little visitor again.
So Long, My Love
27 May 2011 63 Comments
in quilting
My sweet husband went to be with the Lord on Sunday, May 22nd. Though my heart is broken, he is once again whole and restored, and without pain. For that, I can rejoice and be thankful.
Still Riding The Roller Coaster
14 May 2011 8 Comments
in quilting
Doing a quick post from my phone, which I don’t find to be the most user friendly way of posting, so please overlook lack of proper writing. I am sitting at Greg’s bedside. He had gotten moved down the hall to a step down from the LTACH ICU wing he started on, and things were moving along. He even got his trach out. He still wasn’t doing well with therapy. He continues to complain of lower back pain. But, he was starting to feed himself some and was putting on his glasses to see better. All little things, but pretty big to us considering where he was a month ago.
Wednesday, we got a call we weren’t expecting. He suddenly went into respiratory distress, and since the trach was gone, he had to be sedated and intubated again, to go back on vent. That was in the morning. About 6:10 that same evening, things got worse, he could not clear airway, and actually coded. The response team was on it quickly tho, because a respiratory therapist actually was checking on him about the time it was getting serious. He was down less than two minutes when they got his heart beating again. The cause was two large mucous plugs blocking his airway, that he had been unable to clear on his own. If they had not intubated him again that morning, it is likely they would not have been able to get them suctioned out in time to save him, or save him without major damage due to lack of oxygen. Scans and bronchoscopy have been done and the pulmonologist is happy with results and doesn’t think he will have to put trach back in. Today, they are in the process of weaning him off vent and sedation, and hoping to extubate tomorrow.
The very best news from the last two days is that his kidney function has improved so much that the nephrologist thinks he will not need dialysis anymore! That is a huge blessing. A big Praise God for answered prayer.
I have people tell me that they don’t know how I have been so strong in this. The strength is not my own. I am clinging to and standing on the promises of God for dear life. In our weakness, He is strong. That doesn’t mean I understand why all this has happened, I just have to trust that God is big enough, and faithful enough to get me through. And, in my darkest moments, he has yet to let me down.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5.
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act. Psalm 37:5.
Happy Mother’s Day
08 May 2011 7 Comments
in quilting
I know updates here have been seriously lacking, and I’m sure some of you are wondering what in the world has been happening. Well, quite a lot. Greg is now awake and alert. Yay! However, there are some memory issues that we hope will clear up in time. For instance, he thinks he was in a wreck, and that is why he is in the hospital. There seems to be a little disconnection from reality. It’s hard to explain, but he isn’t asking things like when will he get out, what is next, etc., or how things are at home, or his shop, and that is not like him, at all. He does know all of us, and knows he loves us. He answers questions appropriately. His white blood count went all the way down into the 16,000′s, and we were elated, but as of yesterday…back up to 36,400. New cultures were done and the yeast infection is showing up in his urine again. So, now he is back on antifungals meds, and they also put him on an antibiotic called cubicin. I really worry about what this will do to his kidneys. They were just starting to show some real improvement in the labs ran on them, and the nephrologist is very encouraged about possible/probable return of function with them. I have been praying so hard for those kidneys to come back. This up and down, good news/bad news routine is really tough emotionally. Now, that he is awake, it is even harder to have this four hour separation. I want to be there encouraging him and supporting him, every day. But, in the midst of all of this, my already short-handed department at work is going to be even more short, as my assistant director is retiring this month. I can do a lot of my own work from Lubbock…but, until I can get another officer in place, I will have to be physically present in the office to cover the criminal caseload she has been carrying, etc. So, an already challenging situation just became a bit more challenging, but, this too shall pass. I might just have to pray even harder some days. 
At least I have been blessed to have been able to be there as much as I have. I work for two very family oriented and understanding district judges, and they have been so supportive. I am so appreciative to have that. I am anxiously waiting for that day when we just get on that good roll forward and stay on it. Please pray for his kidneys to not take a big setback with the return of antifungals and antibiotics, and for the eradication of these infections, once and for all! There is also a lower back pain issue that caused some interference with his physical therapy this week. An MRI was ordered, and hopefully we will have the full report from that tomorrow. He needs to be able to work hard to get stronger, and get up out of that bed, so we can get him home! I think if he were “thinking normally”, like his real self, he would push through the pain more, to try to reach that goal. That’s another area where there seems to be a bit of a disconnect, for lack of a better word. I think this post is a little disconnected and rambling, as well…so I will just finish it off with please keep praying for us! And thank you for doing so!
A Beautiful Blessed Easter!
24 Apr 2011 12 Comments
in quilting
Greg is becoming more responsive every day! Today, the nurse put some lotion on him and asked if that was better, and Greg gave him a thumb up sign! Praise God! He is continuing to respond with head nodding, and head shaking, and mouthing yes and no. I think that speaks volumes regarding his cognitive state.
While at home, I have made a bit more progress on my Stars & Stripes sampler:
Yes, there is still a long road ahead, but I am so, so, sooooo encouraged right now! Again, I thank you all for your prayers, and your continued prayers.
Another Yippee!
23 Apr 2011 7 Comments
in quilting
A copy/paste from my Facebook:
PRAISE GOD! Greg is really starting to communicate by nodding/shaking head, & attempting to mouth some words! Maybe he can get rid of the trach soon so he can find his voice again. His sister and youngest daughter are there with him this weekend, they report he is really wiggling all over the place, trying to readjust himself in the bed, much more focused and alert. I can’t wait til I get to go back later this week!
I am feeling so encouraged!!
More Good News For Good Friday
22 Apr 2011 7 Comments
in quilting
Yesterday, they took Greg off of any ventilatory support. He has a t-piece (trach collar), and is only receiving some oxygen through it, and they said he is doing great. My son went to see him yesterday. He wouldn’t open his eyes while he was there, but he was turning his head to him, and he said he could tell he listens when you are talking. He said he didn’t “look as sick to him as last time he saw him”. The nurses said he is “restless”. This morning, the report is that he was “awake” all night again. But, he is still opening his eyes this morning. His sister and brother-in-law are with him now, and she called and said he is looking at both her, and her husband when they talk to him. And…his white blood count….is down to 26,000 this morning!! I’m so encouraged!
Have a blessed Good Friday!
